Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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