Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm experimenting with sincerity
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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