I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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