I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just cropdusted the office
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
