Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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