Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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