Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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