Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
