turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
