Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
