3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize