Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize