whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
