i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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