Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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