Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize