i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
