he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
