What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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