last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
