I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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