my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
