apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
