I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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