this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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