I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
