God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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