No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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