omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
