Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
