I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
