Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
