I need to stop coming to work sober
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
