Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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