Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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