I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
