I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize