Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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