My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
