New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
