worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
