So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
