I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
