I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
