tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
