There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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