Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
