Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
