your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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