Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
