I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize