She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
