I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
