After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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