if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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