Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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