This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize