He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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