And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
