I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
