Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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