I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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