and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
