I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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